"how i wish..."

how i wish.. i have more time, more time to spend for myself, my family and my friends..
how i wish.. i could spend my evening time browsing through bazaar ramadhan with my dad, buying my favorite kueh kentut..
how i wish.. these cuti 3 ari would be longer, because cuti doesnt feel like cuti sbb i still have to struggle finishing up my assignments..
how i wish.. i could explain n convey the pulsatic town concept to everyone especially the lecturers with those justifications we had..
how i wish.. i have more time to convince dr azeez that our proposal was not designed sesuke ati, as it is actually comes with the justifications..
how i wish.. i could turn up to class early( n earliest as possible) especially in dr azeez class..
how i wish.. i could be a good student, without need for bro. ali to tell me that i am under performance this sem..
how i wish.. i could explain n present n talk (in English, of course) as fluent as nelza, as exciting as anas, as confident as ima, without being embarassed with my pronounciation problem..
how i wish.. all my outstanding grades n skills on the paper reflects my personality in reality.. (doing good on muet, but talk like a real loser..~sigh~)
how i wish.. this project will end up in a good state..
how i wish.. i could be the old good girl anis i used to be..
how i wish.. that my heart is all set clear, free from heartache, free from dosa n noda..
how i wish.. to listen to my dad, to not fall in love while studying..
how i wish.. i could learn more skills on photography..
how i wish.. i could learn how to play guitar n piano before i fully grown up..
how i wish.. to not let down those who loves me..
how i wish.. to be with k.mira when she needed me before..
how i wish.. i would never done that biggest mistake..
how i wish i could come home now..

since everyone update blog...

...since everyone update blog, aku pun na update blog lah..haha. it's been a while aku ta update blog. too much to say. tapi ta pernah ada masa untuk menulis. so where do we start ek today? em. ok. i think i na start since awal sem lagila (gile lama ko ta update blog anis... >_<) well, this sem, i came with new spirit. dapat join fulcrum n other 16 fabulous members of fulcrum. they are awesome! really made up my first month kt sem bru ni. now fulcrum's gone. i got neon! i just can't wait to see what are we going to do next (coz i've got to be with all those superb people of neon : akim, k.zati, anas, nelza, nasrul, miroh) (=...

oh btw, i've gone too far..

erm.
during kaedfest liveband..
i've been dumped by him.
he was my new start.
my new start to prove to others i dont need the 'Mr. Samaritan' to survive.
it was our first date, n he left me 3 hours after we met.haha.tragis.
i was really down that night.
but he (si dumper ni la) ta abis2 na mintak maaf n keep assuring me that it wasnt my fault.
na tau alasan die?
he was kind of person yg cepat bosan, so he left me because he afraid he'll get bored of me sooner or later, n it was best for him to leave me before ha started to sakitkn hati me.
pheww..
make sense ke..
entahla.
so aku pun berjalan ke kaedfest dengan hati yang lara.
namun begitu, liyana really made up my day that night.
she cheered me up, eventhough aku agak terasa dengan lagu2nya (killing me, ternyata, stay...).
i couldnt afford to get any of my friend because i realy need time to be alone on that night.
but to my surprises, there came the 5 musketeers (entah betul ke ta aku eja) who cheered me up until the next morning. (thanks wakdo, ajan, wan, pening n zul ( : )

so that's it..
terlampau banyak na diceritakan sampai aku terlupa apa yang na ditulis.
i'm still feeling something to the guy yg dump aku tu.
it's hard to forget.
coz u've just clean up ur heart, n prepare ur heart to receive new love.
n u received it, n start to learn the love process again.
n suddenly he left.
how does it feel?

hurt. of course.
tapi tapela.
it's over.
but we both still doing good.
there's no problem between us.
it's just a matter of time i guess..
maybe he thinks it's too soon for him to be commited.

whatever reason he has, i da ta kisah.
yang penting, i still have to be completely committed to my consultant.
really looking forward to be with you neon! ........(and you too fahmi (dumper!)) ^_^

heartless.

lg brape jam na depart.
i dont know why.
tapi aku rasa malas gila na pergi.
rasa ta excited langsung.
rasa berat je.
hmm.
mungkin sebab aku demam kot.
and mungkin sebab abah ta ikut.
hm.


tapela.
doakan aku selamat pergi selamat balik.
goodbye kl.

konflik budak -budak studio 19.

all right.
now i have had enough.
sekarang aku baru tahu perangai kita sume macam mana.
and thank you for everything.
i thought it was over.
tapi tak sangka ada lagi.
tak apalah.
if it is that what you want, aku dah tak boleh nak cakap apa dah.
cuma aku kecewa sangat because things had to turn to be this way.

kenapa banyak sangat konflik?
if seseorang itu teruk sangat, hukum dia seorang.
bukan orang yang rapat dengan dia.
do you really think that person have a choice?

people make mistake. and people change, too.

kalau nak cakap pasal berubah, ramai yang berubah.
aku sendiri berubah.
and untuk pengetahuan pembaca semua, kamu semua (khas untuk budak studio 19) juga berubah.
berubah. either good or bad.
do not point other people's mistake without looking at your ownself first.
kamu semua sedar tak, yang kita asyik berkata pasal perubahan(selalunye bad changes) orang, tetapi kita tak pernah sedar yang kita sendiri pun dah berubah and mungkin ada seseorang yang terkilan dengan perangai kita?

all right.
jangan cakap orang, nanti kita akan dikata balik.
tapi lagi teruk kalau kita jadi hipokrit kan.
ada orang cakap, aku hipokrit.
tak apalah.
mungkin itu pengakuan jujur daripada orang itu untuk membantu aku memperbaiki diri.
tapi kan,
orang lain pun hipokrit (definisi hipokrit di sini mengikut definisi yang difahami pembaca-pembaca sendiri) jugak, does that person dapat layanan yang sama macam saya dapat right now? honestly, no, i don't think so.
aku diam diri je selama ni.
tak kisah apa orang nak cakap.
because it is my way.
and i am gonna stick with it.
tapi setiap orang ada limit kesabaran dia kan?

aku sayang kamu semua.
macam ini je dibalas.
hm.

dalam friendship ada give and take.
gurau senda, gelak tawa, sakit hati, nangis semua include sekali.
sebab kita selalu akan sakitkan hati orang yang kita sayang.
tak tahu kenape, tetapi, itu yang selalu terjadi.
ingatkan kita faham itu semua.
tapi antara kita masih ada yang tak faham.
mungkin aku sendiri pun tak faham.

kenapa nak terbawa2 sangat emosi dan menjejaskan semua benda?
memang tak salah.
tapi selepas itu kita kena sedar.
i thought this mess dah settle berapa minggu yang lalu.
tapi, tengok ada lagi.
tak hipokrit ke tu?

kepada yang tidak puas hati, atau ada yang terkilan kepada aku sendiri, atau orang lain,
sila bagi tau direct kepada saya atau orang itu, bukan simpan sahaja. dan cakap belakang. atau apa2 pun.

kita makin tua. jadi matanglah harapnya.

oh how much I love to tanned myself.. : )

oh. did i tell you, how much i hate last Saturday?

yeah. i hate it. that worst the most excruciating day i ever had.

" ...anis, nape tak angkat telefon? angkat please..."
"...anis bz sangat ke tu? em. nel rindula. nel perlukan anis skrg ni..."
"...em. anis, nel sanding pukul 3..."

on that shitted Saturday, ever since I woke up, I started to count every second to that D-hour..phew..sakit giler weh..

tapi entah macam mana, na dijadikan cerita, there came the saviour of the day: my dad!

"...anis, jom ikut abah gi jalan-jalan. da lame kite ta jalan-jalan same-same kan..."
"...na gi mane bah?..."
"...adela, ikut je. bawak baju skali..."
"...em, yela..."

i just followed my dad, after a few minutes thinking. because i actually had a plan with mushi to go over to sijangkang to attend his wedding. i texted mushi, and told him, the trip was off, because i was afraid i couldnt stand it. he understood and asked me to roger him if i wanted to hang out.

dipendekkan cerita, my dad bawa aku ke port dickson. haha

syok gila.

sampai2 terus makan buah, tukar baju and off we go, to the beach!

oh ya. since aku tatau aku g mane aritu, aku pun lupe bawak sunblock.
and i enjoy myself dr kul 12 sampai 3.

pukul 3.
hm.
saat genting.
aku tatau na wape.
so aku duduk baring, jauh minda ku melayang.
last2 tertido.haha
bangun2 kul 4 lebih.
oh. how i love that moment.
damai gila.

petang, aku enjoy myself gila2.
nek boat. nek jetski. nek banana boat.
nice.

that day meant something to me.
yeah.

and i went back to kl with a new hope.
and new spirit.

oh.
i did received "quite a number" of phone calls offering support.
and thanks yeah kepada semua.
i appreciate sgt2.



oh yea. did i tell you?
how much i love to tanned myself XD

sakit duh..sakit sangat

so here at 3.29, i'm still sitting in front of my desktop, trying to figure out what to do because i couldn't sleep. na tido. tapi taley. my mind is somewhere else.i am speechless. buntu. pasrah. he is getting married tomorrow. and this is no joke. kenapala boleh jadi macam ni? aku ta tahanla. aku da ta larat na nangis. aku da ta terkata apa-apa. aku ta kuat sangat. aku ta kuat macam nelza. sakit dowh. sakit sangat.

tadi petang, aku jumpa iqbal. aku cerita kat dia dari a sampai z. and he had been a very superb person. support me 300%. still offer aku a shoulder to cried on. iqbal thanks a lot my friend.

aku cuba hidup dengan fakta yang dia akan pergi since monday ritu. i tried and i am still trying. maybe for those yang tak kenal aku dengan rapat, akan cakap, "...ala, anis ni ta abes2 ngan kisah cinta dan emosi die..", ta kisahla. aku da ta kesah orang na cakap ape. mulut orang kan. bile da penat, senyaplah mereka. hm.

aku ta tau nape aku pergi teman die beli cincin perkahwinan dan barang-barang adat. aku pun ta mengerti. tapi, aku rasa aku ada sebab tersendiri. (... nel, mintak maafla kalau anis buat nel rasa bersalah...)

dia rasa bersalah na bagi aku attend wedding dia. dia cakap dia ta kuat na tengok aku time dia atas pelamin nanti. aku pun ta tau aku cukup kuat ke ta na tengok dia atas pelamin tu nanti. hidup memang kelakar. aku ta na persoalkan takdir. tapi aku percaya ada hikmah and ada something yang Allah na tunjukkan. iyela, kalau tidak, kenapa Dia temukan aku dengan dia?

ini bukan masa untuk berjiwang. abahku pernah cakap jangan bercinta waktu belajar. ya, dia sangat betul. but you couldn't help yourself from falling in love kan?

bukan aku na macam ni. and bukan dia na macam ni. for those yang tau citer, diorang suma support aku. tapi some of them cakap sangat senang. awak ta alaminya wahai rakan2ku. awak ta rase pedihnya macam mana.

dia pun tana kawen. tapi na wat camne bila diri dan keluarga jadi taruhan?

and i always be the real mangsa keadaan.

aku redha jela. mana boleh lawan takdir. ta boleh. tapi abah cakap, hanya doa yang boleh mengubah takdir. betul. sangat betul. tapi sempat ke? hmm.

and now da pukul 4.18 am. i am counting every second to that moment.

ima was right with her quotation; "...time kills, time heals..." It means a lot. I can get over this. Yes, i absolutely can do it. but it does take time. it does.

he completely changed me. completely. how? do observe me.

i tried to hold on and still trying. aku bley wat ni. aku bley.

tapi sakit dowh. sakit sangat..




semoga mereka bahagia.




p/s: patut aku attend wedding die ke ta? jujurla rakan-rakanku.

Bebas.

portfolio da abes. but idk. i just dont feel like to write something on it. coz it is something different from before. yes, we did it. congratulation guys! ( : but somehow.. i just afraid. ntahla. takut ta lepas. i just want to pass this sem. only that i pray for. hmm.. btw, i am totally free now. ta rasa takut langsung na exam, coz portfolio scared me off better.ahha~

btw..im missing these two things..hope can be with em' again..

and this beautiful lady...

authentic 3 layer tea..i miss it! T_T